2014. #Flashback Friday

One of the most humbling things to do is to look back at where I was and thank God that I am growing from my experiences. I am so proud of myself for not being where I was but at the same time I am so grateful for every experience I’ve had and even now, am in the middle of because all of it is shaping my character and maturing me into the woman that I want to be. In the midst of tribulation its hard to see the purposes in it and it’s easy to want to give in, but I am glad that I didn’t give up. It has been a good fight and has made me strong and confident in my faith. Today my heart is at peace and nothing can shake that.

I share this because it’s a reminder to me that life is always moving and where we are now is not where we’ll be tomorrow. Time is passing away every minute and we all have the choice to live intentionally for tomorrow. I want to spend everyday experiencing life at it’s fullest in love, hope, goodness and peace and I refuse to let fear, anxiety and insecurity steal anymore of my days. The days are too short to be spent in anything but peace and I’m so thankful that I know that now.

Today’s #FlashbackFriday is a journal entry from 2014:

Dear God,

Today was a good day. I can’t complain. This week is a short week and I have a dance convention this weekend. Yesterday and I had a Parenthood marathon on the couch and then I’m taking Friday as a vacation day too. I really have a blessed life. I have a great job that I love and am able to do what I love. Inside there is a war in my soul that is exhausting me everyday. The spiritual war in my mind and heart rages every moment of my day, when I’m asleep  and when I’m awake. To the casual onlooker everything looks calm and neatly collected but to me looking out, I feel like a huge mess. And maybe I am but I’m really trying to just get a grip on my life these days. My thought life is a raging storm that gets calm then picks up all over again. I am in a wandering mode and I’m tired and exhausted and feel completely alone. I just want to lay down and not move anymore. But I’m still trying to figure out where I am and I’m praying for just one friend that I can travel with and hopefully discover the path that I need to be on. I’ve been on my knees and even pouring out my tears to God in my car asking for help, an answer and also just really being honest with my thoughts. I read today on Instagram that “the thing about pain it demands to be felt” and that brought me some comfort. That’s the best way to describe how I feel. I am in pain. Plain and simple and I don’t understand why when my life is such a blessing. What is wrong with me? I just want to be happy and free from more pain. —Count it all joy when you encounter various trials…”Count it all joy in the middle of pain is actually where God is the closest. He is near to the brokenhearted. Maybe that’s what life is about…a series of circumstances, painful and joyful, that bring us closer to where God is. Don’t you hear him saying, “I AM in your pain. I AM in your brokenness. I AM here.” Turn around and embrace this time…this pain and the arms of Jesus. Eventually you’ll turn around and be so happy that you did.— This was so encouraging to read today. I don’t understand this war that wages in my heart but I know that this pain is crippling and constant. If I think on it for a few moments longer that I want to, then I spend the rest of the day trying to get back to a place of peace. I lose ground in my battle for my day when I give too many long moments to this pain. It sucks. I don’t want to be this depressed, emotional, crazy woman. I want to be free to just be in my day and not be struggling to just take a breathe because I’m drowning in my anxieties, fears, and insecurities. It’s so disappointing and discouraging and it’s draining the hope from my life and challenging my faith. I have been praying to be closer to God and wanting nothing more than to just curl up in that quiet place with Him where I feel so safe and at complete peace overwhelmed with his greatness and calming love. Although I have no idea what I’m doing right now and I feel like my life is not moving, I do know that this time is a chance for me to cling to God and witness his amazing love and comfort. Some mornings though, I forget to tap into His loving grace and by the end of my day I realize that I again chose to walk my life alone. I think that I need to stop being mad that I’m in this position of needing help and start accepting that I am here. I have no control over this, it is where I am. As much as I’d like to will myself to a completely different world, that is not going to happen overnight. The process is still the process and I need to surrender to it. I need a new focus. I get to be here and get to be in a place of needing God so much. This is a great opportunity for me to exercise my faith and allow God to work, to be who He is in my life. Now that I’m saying that I don’t know why I’m fighting it so much and trying so hard to survive. Yes it is true, all feels hopeless, and I can’t figure out what’s next but why am I not embracing this moment to just rest in God’s strong arms. If I must wait for what is next them why am I waiting outside alone and miserable, instead on in my favorite nook, with Him. Well things feel gloomy but I am not alone. I have many things to be thankful for and I just made cookies. It was a good day and I’m thankful. I just pray for the ability to use my faith tomorrow and stay calm and quiet in His arms. No one will ever love me the way God loves me. I cannot comprehend it but He is there and I need to just enjoy Him because I can. I love you God. Thank you for how you whisper quietly to my heart the truths that comfort my deepest cries. You’re amazing God. Good night.

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