Tag Archives: love

Project You  This is probably the most difficult life lesson to learn but the most necessary. The pressures and stresses of life this summer have allowed me the opportunity to look myself in the eyes. This summer I’ve questioned so many things and have also made some life changing decisions. I’ve reminisced about my past and agonized over some of my hurts and at the same time proudly celebrated my greatest triumphs thus far. I’ve fought with my inner self to the point of exhaustion and then just felt like completely walking away from the whole project of me.

It is so easy to lose myself in the world’s definition of success, beauty, & happiness. It’s easy to start striving for standards that are not my own just to feel accepted, loved, validated….to feel like I belong somewhere. As I chat with ladies of all ages I’m discovering the struggle is the same and no matter the season of life, fighting for your self-worth is a lifestyle. It starts with loving yourself first and treating yourself the way that you want to be treated, knowing that your value doesn’t change because of someone’s inability to see your worth.

I’m a person that just wants to love everyone but sometimes I do it at the expense of myself all in the name of helping and loving someone. I’ve taken the long road to learn that lesson in my past and know now that loving and giving to my breaking point is not love. It doesn’t help anyone for me to destroy myself in the process.

Remember that taking care of yourself enables you to be a better provider to those around you.

It’s not healthy and I’ve learned that a healthy life is a happy one. That is easier said than done especially when it comes to relationships, because relationships are just plain messy. We’re human and it takes a lot of patience, grace, and maturity to navigate through the ups and downs of miscommunication, hurt feelings, and all the randomness that can spark a conflict. A part of taking care of yourself means to have the courage to be honest with yourself about the relationships that are draining your life instead of being life giving. In the long run by deciding to cut ties in those relationships will be the best decisions that you’ve ever made for yourself. You deserve to be happy and healthy and setting boundaries to take care of you is always the right decision.

It doesn’t matter where you’ve been or where you are now, all that matters that you have the power to choose to start loving and taking care of yourself today. This moment, this life is yours and you can change. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I always have to remind myself that imperfect progress is still progress. I still make mistakes and still fall victim to my insecurities some days but none of those things change that fact that I’m worth the fight. Taking care of myself has made me a stronger woman and given me the opportunity to give and love others in ways that I never thought possible. So it’s ok, take some time for yourself. Do something that you love, take a quiet walk, read a book, take a nap, wander around an art museum…celebrate you! You’ll be better for it. You’re uniquely you and that’s always worth celebrating! Have fun and enjoy!

God Bless,

Shine

 

Project: Me

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

she is real.

She second guesses every word,

every thought

every choice.

She has made many mistakes and still makes them daily.

She is not perfect by far.

She loves hard

her family

her friends

even complete strangers.

Her love pours out and sometimes it’s too much.

She gives everything to everyone.

a gift to those in need but a curse to her for those who take everything.

She is not good at saying no but

she does know perseverance

very well.

Her boldness moves her forward.

She never gives up.

She will always fight.

She is tough but so fragile.

She’ll never admit that to you.

But the secret cry in her heart knows the truth.

She came from nothing

this victory can never be taken away.

She has survived so much already yet still the rain falls.

She is not shaken.

She is calm.

She knows nothing of the future or where she’ll be.

Her risks have changed her path.

She couldn’t resist the temptation of adventure.

She wants to be different.

She wants to live

to love

to be found

to explore.

She wants more.

She is against herself and at the same time not.

Her struggle lies within

Her truths can be distorted

She needs Him.

She loves Him more than words.

He is her everything.

She knows that.

She stands on that fact with a smile.

Her life, like anyone’s, can be a storm

a sweet blessing

a burst of laughter

or carry the weight of a million tears.

She can be so many things.

She can be confident

encouraging

funny

insecure

honest

optimistic

angry

independent

At her worst she feels irrelevant.

She is content in her sorrow.

Her brokenness humbles her.

Her depth always brings her back.

In the midst of the passing moments she is always

just her.

She can be no one else.

She is unique.

She is missed.

She is loved.

She is enough.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Appointment

As I cross the threshold the smell of coffee beans curl around me and escort me further into the coziness of the coffee shop. As I inhale the goodness I scan the shop for my appointment, we make eye contact, she’s comfortably tucked away at a table in the back corner of the shop. With my calm smile I say, “I’ll be right there.” Then I return my attention to the menu, just to give my eyes something to do. I’ve been here a million times and hardly ever change my order.

“Shine I’m so glad we could meet today! How are things?”

I drop my bag at my feet and reluctantly settle into the worn cushion on my seat.

“Everything’s going pretty good. I’ve just been working and trying to enjoy the down times that I get. But you know me I’ll like to stay busy and want to be a part of everything.”

“Yes I do know that about you. You should really slow down and just stay home and focus on yourself for a change. You know forget about everyone else.”

“Yeah but that’s just not me. I want to be involved in the world not just wrapped up in myself all day. That can get lonely real quick.”

“Well, all I’m saying is that it’d be better for you to enjoy some isolation from the world so you can focus on the things you need to fix. Anyways have you made a decision? Are you going to stop resisting me on this?”

“I can’t just make a decision like that. Why can’t I just ride this out and see what happens before I decide to sell?”

“Come on, Shine. Let’s look at the facts. You’re not doing well. Right now you have more failures than successes and really what does your future hold? You don’t have any clue what you’re doing. It’s going to be better for you to just cut your losses and call it good.”

She stares intently at me while I teeter on the fence of my mind. As I exhale the deflation of my lungs matches my spirit and I feel the tears starting to well up.

“Yes what you say is true, and maybe you’re right but there has been some good too. I’ve made some progress, not perfectly, but progress none the less. It counts for something. Right? Oh and if I get help from a couple of my friends, I’m sure we can figure something out together.”

“Shine! You don’t want to drag other people into your mess, do you?” Her bold tone has invited a few sideways glances from strangers around us. “Just think of what kind of burden that you’ll be putting on them. What will they think of you? I’m telling you it’s time to just throw in the towel. Give it up will you? You’re not going to amount to anything at this rate and you need to just be honest with yourself.”

“Why do you always have to be so negative?” My heart is pounding and I really just want to agree so this argument can be over but something in me just cannot let it go. “This can’t be the end. I’m not going to give up, there has to be more. There has to be something we can do. Seriously let’s bring in a team and work this out. Let someone that knows what…”

“Ok just stop it! OK? Stop.” Everyone is staring now. “I’m just going to lay it out for you so there is no confusion. You’re done. No one is here with you and you’re a failure. You couldn’t make this work. You’re disappointment to your family and your friends. There is no coming back and everyone has their own problems, they don’t have time for yours. They don’t care about you and wouldn’t miss you if you were gone. You keep repeating the same mistakes. You’re not changing or growing in anyway. You haven’t moved in forever. Don’t you see you’re not good enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough…you’re just not enough.”

“Who do you think you are, saying those things to me?” the tears freely flowing.

“I’m you.”

“What?!” I stare at her in disbelief and start to recognize myself in her face. Stunned I looked to the strangers around us and I start to recognize the nodding faces of my parents, my dearest friends, and shame suffocates me. They heard everything and they agree. The emotions weigh down on me like someone is sitting on my chest and I can’t breathe. I shut my eyes tight and open them in panic.

It’s pitch black and I can’t focus on anything but I’m breathing wildly. I roll to my back and gradually my disorientation fades and I realize I was dreaming. As the air conditioner clicks on the raw emotions of rejection, discouragement, and disappointment continue to torment my heart in the darkness.

Silently and desperately I pray.

“Dear God…Thank you that I’m not alone. Thank you that I have you and nothing can separate me from you. Not even myself. I know that I am my own worst enemy. Thank God that in You, I always have hope – the fight inside of me that won’t ever give in or sell out to the lies that try to destroy my spirit. I pray that you would continue to strengthen the hope inside of me and quiet the doubts that I have about myself. Give me the strength to move in faith and trust the outcomes of my life to you. And thank you for the support of my family and friends. I wouldn’t be here without them. Thank you God for how you’ve blessed my life. Amen”

Now in the darkness, the silence is comforting, and the peace settles over me like a blanket and I drift back to sleep.

———————————————————————————————–

Author Notes:

Through my experiences I’ve come to realize that hope is never lost. We always have a choice to rise and move forward. Imperfect progress is still progress. We are not alone and in our darkest of times all we need to do is reach out or cry out. We need to have a healthy mistrust for our self-talk and make sure to have a sounding board of close friends to sift out the lies and discouragements that will steal our joy and potential for the great things to come in our lives. We were meant to live and experience the world around us not self-destruct in isolation. Don’t ever give up, where ever you find yourself. The fight is worth it.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Time I was Given

a0e4c682acce308e0c37c5af74bdc109

I remember how we did everything together. You could say we were connected at the hip. We were always together. We had numerous sleepovers. If I was with her I didn’t mind if I didn’t make it home. Her home was my home. My heart would warm as soon as I’d see her house come into view. I’d bounce down the steps of the driveway and swing open the screen door and I’d always find her in one of two places. As soon as I’d get in through the front door she’d be sitting in her chair in the middle of the room, perfectly positioned in direct line across from the TV. On bad days I could burst through the front door and run straight into her arms and curl up in her lap in her chair, completely safe. We’d also spend long mornings in front of the TV, me bumming on the love seat, she’d be in her chair, we’d be watching The Price is Right, my favorite was when the contestants got to play the Plinko game. I was always captivated by Bob Barker’s skinny microphone and his ability to engage his audience. We watched almost every episode of the I Love Lucy show and we’d laugh and laugh until we couldn’t breathe and then watch another episode. We also watched many interviews on the Sally Jesse Raphael talk show, but my favorite interview was when Sally brought the entire cast of Sesame Street on and I was able to see Big Bird get interviewed.

When she was kneading dough for frybread she’d sit on the edge of the coffee table right in front of the TV while her favorite soap opera played. I’d sit right behind her on the coffee table and every few minutes she’d tear off a piece of dough for me to nibble on. Her second favorite place in the house was the kitchen. She was always cooking something so that meant we were always eating. She was the best cook; her dishes comforted your soul. She was such a thoughtful cook and always made my favorite things each dish truly made with love. Everything she did for me was truly an act of love. One time she used a strip of a dish rag to tie the house key to my shoe just so I wouldn’t lose it, and would have a way to get into the house when she wasn’t going to be there. So silly but that simple act I’ve never been able to forget.

I think that grandmothers have that gift though. They do the simplest things that melt your heart and make you feel so loved. Ask anyone, there is no one like their grandma. My Grandma Dixon was definitely a woman unlike any other. Her presence inspired me and left a sweet impression on my heart. She loved so deeply and always opened her home for everyone to come and feel the love that she was pouring out. If it was a perfect stranger that she could serve a hot meal to or her family, it was all the same to her. From her examples I learned the significance of the gift of hospitality. Her ability to love so intensely and intentionally changed my world and always drew me into her. I never wanted to leave her side. She was my best friend and was the first person I learned to love so deeply.

When her health declined and eventually took her from me I was devastated. She was too young. I was too young, only in elementary school at the time, and this loss was profound. As a child this was a harsh reality check that the moments that we have with people are so precious and once the time has passed, it’s just gone. Although I’m so blessed to have been loved so deeply and to have had my life touched by an angel I still mourn for the time that we lost. The countless coffee dates we would have had, the weekend road trips I’d have taken to visit her and update her on my life, the cooking lessons we would have had. Or all the times we’d watch reruns of I Love Lucy and continue to laugh like it was the first time. I miss the phone calls I would have made to ask for advice when I felt lost in the world and I’m sure she would have encouraged me and told me how much she loved me and my world would be right again. I miss her at every milestone and lunch that I have with my mom. At every family dinner, every holiday and I’m sure I’ll continue to miss her as I grow my own family. I miss her on the days when I just want to go home and run into her house and jump into her lap and sink into her sweet embrace. I miss her always.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Snapshot Story: Sisters make the best friends.

photo (3)

 

“Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are.
The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.”

This photo was from yet another epic bathroom selfie photo shoot! Yep Valerie and I are shameless and if there’s good light and a mirror, then the photo shoot is ON! I know that a lot of people hate on selfies but really if you had this much fun taking selfies…well why not! This night we took tons of photos and laughed til it hurt. We talked about life and dancing while I was getting ready and then went out for more dancing. We are addicted, must be the dance instructors in us. That is what I love about our friendship, it just IS. We make the best of each day, she has become the sister I never had. It doesn’t matter if we’re just getting a refill on our cheap drinks at the gas station or if we’re having a serious life talk in the parking lot, we are for each other every step of the way. We laugh all the time about nothing and share our concerns when needed, but the love and support is unconditional. Life is hard and you need friends that will stand with you in the storms as well as celebrate the sunny days with you. Growth doesn’t happen in isolation. Good friends will encourage you, challenge you, inspire you, support you….love you.

Cheers to all my friends and special shout out to my Valentino! Thanks for being there for me. Love you!

Thanks to The Daily Post for this prompt.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,